Matthew 14:22-33New International Version (NIV)
Jesus Walks on the Water
22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
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What an amazing passage we see here. I find myself much like Peter more and more every day. We ask for Christ to prove himself to us but then when we does we get scared and begin to sink. We have been in the year 2015 for a little over four months and it has been the most trying year that I have every had. With storms raging all around us, to often each of us jump out our boat, pushing Christ out of the way claiming that we can walk on the water all our on own. Having to deal more and more with self assessment , friends and family picking apart my every life choice, being a "yes" man at work and church I began to watch my tank quickly empty never being able to afford to get my gage off of the red "E" near the bottom.
There is a song out right now by Scantus Real with some pretty powerful, hard hitting lyrics, read through them and let those lines sink in:
"Remember when you couldn't wait
to show up early and find your place.
Cause you didn't want to miss a thing.
And your heart was open and ready for change.
Oh, those days.
You were never afraid to sing,
never afraid to lift your hands.
Didn't care what people would think.
You were on fire,
and church was more than a place,
and people were more than faces,
and Jesus was more than a name.
Remember when you weren't ashamed.
To tell your friends about your faith.
A time when you felt the pain
of just one lost soul that was slipping away.
Your heart was soft, you had radiant eyes,
but slowly the pressures and burdens of life
pulled you into the dark of the night.
But when did you lose your sight?
Cause you were on fire,
and church was more than a place,
and people were more than faces,
and Jesus was more than a name.
Oh you were on fire,
you let life put out the flame.
But he's still calling out for you
cause he wants to light your heart again.
And set it on fire
Set it on fire.
Turn your eyes, turn your eyes
and don't forget what it was like
Set me on fire, set me on fire
I wanna hold God's people close
wanna feel the power of Jesus' name
Set me on fire
Set me on fire"
I remember a time not to long ago that I had such a fire and burning passion inside myself to go where ever Christ called me. Showing up to church early every Friday, coming up with new and exciting ways to share my love with Christ to the children that He so faithfully blessed me with. I was so honored when I was asked to come along side the children's ministry program at my church and then eventually take over. I was ecstatic to learn the ins-and-outs of Vacation Bible School and Camp. I had such a urning to connect with the parents and help them be the spiritual leaders in their children's lives. I had an amazing patients for the little things, I researched "learning disorders" and implemented new things into my lessons to help those kids learn more. I tried to come together with my congregation more and start a mid-week worship service. I served at the homeless ministry and loved connecting with those who showed up each week. I loved taking care of the church, helping to clean and organize, got excited to tell others about the building and excited about reaching others around my community. All these things altough very positive and "God honoring" would be my spiritual and emotional down fall leaving my empty and exhausted.
With out realize what was happening around me and not realizing it until just recently I have began to see that the more I did, the more I was taking Christ out of it. From as far back I have always been an idea guy, a planner, an organizer, and a doer. I was blessed with this gift to take ideas and blow them into huge events and that stuff gets my brain racing and creative juices flowing. I did not realize that all while I was doing these events, activities, and even ministries that I was trying to do it all on my own, never stopping to refuel, to ask for guidance or to walk away from something. As the last four years have progressed I made excuses for my "exhaustion" chalking it up to work, depression, or my diet; never once stepping back to address the bigger issue at hand. And it wasn't until this year that God said enough, and started bring things to light.
I am not going to lie, it is hard to be in the spiritual spot light and heading up a ministry, there is the feeling that you have to have it all together. I was once told not be open and share my struggle in such a public forum because it makes you look "weak", and coming from a "spiritual advisor" you begin to agree with such notations taking them to heart and suppressing emotions and thoughts. I have felt so convicted teaching the children to trust in the Lord and give it all to him, yet being to spiritually drained that I give what little I have to them and go home unable to go on, often feeling defeated.
All while these spiritual issues were going on life does not stop to let you "figure things out". For the last year I have been working around the clock to try and get promoted, dealing with the ups and downs of the job. Following a carrot in front of my face doing the next thing just to try and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Butting heads with my boss, getting to the point of an emotional breakdown not sure where else to go. Eventually progression on the promotion has come, resulting in more work on a shorter deadline, resulting in gray hairs and exhaustion.
To add to the stresses of life money slides in and begins to become a darker and darker secret. Pretending to have it all together and that I am finically doing fine, and living comfortably tires a person out. It's hard to be open about having screwed up all these different aspects in your life and eventually you need to family to intervene and call you out. It's funny because one of my mothers favorite quotes is "Because I am the mom and I know everything" and that saying goes for my aunt just as much as my mom. My aunt knew my struggles and hoped I would come for help but I never did, I continued to lie to the world about how I was doing, until it all came crashing down and forced me to get help.
It's hard trying to please everyone...and it makes you tired. I know I am told that I shouldn't do things just to please people but its easier said then done. One of my biggest struggles has been figuring out wether or not to go to school. There are some who put up a very convincing argument on going and then others about not going. Being told I need to go to support my family, to "get a job in the church", to better myself, to gain information to be better at my ministry...all great things. But then nooner ever stops to ask if I was ready, what I wanted to do, if school was the right choice. Eventually I took the leap and applied to Moody (on my own free will) only to get rejected. I made poor decisions in my education in the past and now I have to own up to them. Although I am bummed about Moody, I knew it was a long shot and am ok with that.
What does all this have to do with Matthew 14? Alot...a little...some of it I just needed to get out and be honest about. I find this passage amazing there is so much in it that we can learn from. Just before this passage Jesus had fed 5000 people! That is far better then any event any of us can plan and instead of figuring out how we can top that event, get more butts in a seat or His numbers up, Jesus broke away from the crowds to pray and reconnect with his father. Jesus knew that without meeting regularly with the Lord in prayer that there was no way he can go on and do his Fathers calling on his life. Often prayer is one of the things that get chopped off the list first when we do all of these events. We never once step back to pray about how it went, to give thanks for the blessing he has provided with us, or if we should even continue with what we have done in the past. We need to learn from Christ that the first thing and the last thing we need to do is come before the Lord in genuine prayer and not create a list and plan for the next event.
The next part of the passage are where things get interesting and where I feel like I fail every day lately. For starters even as we walk with Christ, when He shows himself to us we are quick to dismiss it and think the worst. The disciples saw Christ walk toward them on the water and instead of believing that it was Him they dismissed the idea and feared that it was a Ghost. We pray for God to move in big ways in our lives, to break our heart for what breaks his, and to make clear our path but when he does we create a pro's and con's list instead of trusting in God's call for lives. We then require that God prove himself to us: "Lord if its really you....then show yourself" but when he does we are not truly ready for it. Jesus told Peter to walk out on the water....thats a pretty crazy statement and I can't say I would not be like Paul. I feel like to often we are quick to judge the disciples as if they were not real people....lying to ourselves that if we were them we would do whatever Christ said to us, forgetting that Christ is here and we do not do what he says daily. Then Peter did it, he actually walked on water...then just as quickly as he stepped out of the boat he got over taken by the fear of the storm and began to sink. How true is this action in our own lives. We ask for help, guidance, proof, we call upon Christ to lead us but then when begin step out of our comfort zone we get scared, the voice in the back of our head starts to take our eyes off of Christ and onto our own insecurities, but then Jesus does something astonishing...he reaches out his hand and saves Peter.
This passage has really stood out to me and been on my heart lately. I have to often over the past four years tried walking on the water by myself. I continuously sank, only to supplement floatation devices to keep me a float for a few more waves only to stink in the storm crashing around me. I was to busy holding on to my own floaties to reach out my hand to grab Christ and have faith that he would help me walk on the water. I would call out asking for help and direction, I would step out of the boat and but then listen to the voices of those around me. I got busy serving the building that was the church. My passions and spiritual leading were silenced but numbers, and budgets. My heart began to be over taken by the lack of a college degree. Discouraged about giving to others because my own church body suffering. My burn out began to over take my spirit and I was no longer to staying a float in the storms crashing around me. The enemy took over my mind, and kept me distract with the act of serving God and I was slowly getting further and further away from Him. I need to reconnect with Christ, I need to begin to reclaim my walk, my faith, my spiritual journey with the Lord.
Not to long ago I emailed the Pastor, Elders and staff at my church informing them that I was taking a summer sabbatical from all of the ministries and activities I had my hands in except for camp. I told them that I needed to recalibrate my walk with the Lord. I have the energy, ideas, and the drive to keep cranking out events but I needed to come along side Christ again. I have been wrestling with where God wants me during this next upcoming season in my life and I feel like He is ending on chapter in my life and start a brand new exciting path for me. I am feeling called to visit and attend a new church in Edgewater. This church plant is three years old, takes place in a multi-cultural neighborhood, and holds it's service in Swift Middle School. They have a younger demographic in the congregation which will be better equipped in helping refuel my fiancee and myself. We long to connect with more young adults around us who share a passion and longing to serve the Lord and those around them. To be open and honest, to walk with those who share a joy for the Lord and who come to the Lord in pray often and always. I am not making this decision lightly or on bad terms. I am so very blessed that Mt Olive was the first church that I was at when I came to Christ. I learned so many amazing life experiences, lasting friendships...heck I met my fiancee there! I feel like this was how God was calling me home to him and he began his work with me...and now its time that lizzie and myself got our own church. We must spread our wings, and find a church apart from our parents with people our own ages. I am exciting about his new chapter, love the children and families that God has placed in my life thus far and look forward to the new brothers and sister I will meet in the near future!
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